The Defense Clandestine Service: Our Glorious New Military Spy Agency

Before Kennedy came to power, military intelligence was carried out by individual branches of the military. Though the US still managed to win World War II, the fear of the Soviet Union's centralized spy apparatus likewise led the US to centralize military intelligence efforts under one single entity: The Defense Intelligence Agency. The DIA has since the Kennedy years provided intelligence to everyone from a 3-star general to a private on the ground. Last May, however, the US government created a new spy agency -- the Defense Clandestine Service -- to be under the umbrella of not only the Defense Intelligence Agency [Pentagon] but also the Central Intelligence Agency [civilian].

 

The creation of a new hybrid intelligence agency represents another direct blow to America's tradition of separating military and civilian affairs. Though the Defense Clandestine Service will be officially a subsidiary of the Pentagon (Defense Intelligence Agency), their personnel will report and work closely with CIA station chiefs. Yes, the military's new spy agency will be working closely with our former civilian spy agency -- as the CIA is now arguably a paramilitary force.

 

The National Clandestine Service will allow the CIA to concentrate more on drones, cyberspying, and counter-narcotics. Since the Defense Clandestine Service was not given the budget and personnel that it wanted in the latest National Defense Authorization Act, it may be a few years until we see just how bloated and powerful it becomes. However, the legal framework for more collusion between military and civilian elements in our government has been established.

 

Leon Panneta, then director of the CIA, was in charge of the Bin Laden raid, though it was carried out by military forces (JSOC.) It seems that beyond getting the military's 25,000 special forces under its command, the CIA also wants the Pentagon to spy on its behalf. In the same way that 9/11 brought us the centralization of power that is the Department of Homeland Security, so will the next major crisis lead to a further consolidation of power between military and civilian agencies.

 

Though the Constitution requires that Congress be the one to declare war, Obama went ahead and bombed Lybia. He overrode Congress by using money from the counterterrorism black budget that cannot be closely scrutinized by Congress. In using the military to bomb a foreign country without authorization from Congress, Obama gave himself further counterterrorism powers.

 

Since 9/11 the President has gained the power to: bomb foreign countries without consent from Congress, indefinitely detain US citizens, bomb US citizens suspected of having ties to terrorism, and to keep the reasons and evidence secret. Tomorrow we could have president Biden or president Shinseki, and they would inherit all these powers. A future Republican administration will likewise inherit all these powers and agencies. America is one major terrorist attack away from becoming a full-blown police state.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How One Little Bikini Almost Caused an International Incident

I wish I could say it was laundry day, but the reality is I had simply stopped caring. Yes, I wore my girlfriend's bikini during my first outing in Paris (France, not Texas.) The weather was freezing, but the bikini promised to keep me warm. My gf's bikini is not your typical piece of sexy wear: she produced it herself while working for a large multinational that we will cryptically refer to as "Nosotros."

 

When I first started going through her collection, the bikini stood out for the raw, manly energy it radiated. I had previously noted an H&M leopard blazer in her closet and knew that I had found my New Year's look. Though the bikini is in actuality snake print, it matches well with the leopard print. The minute I put the two together, my energy level increased exponentially to such an extent that I had no other choice but to go for a polar dive in one of Amsterdam's canals. Copious amounts of fornication also ensued.

 

Hell, maybe I shouldn't even pretend that I wished it was laundry day: I wanted my raw tiguere power to take Paris by storm. I first began to remove the layers which separated the world from my snake power when we got to the Eiffel tower. It was -2c, but my bikini and a light jacket was all I needed. So, I stood atop the barrier separating the Seine from the sidewalk and began attracting the tourist hordes. I guess people started confusing me for some sort of hybrid Arctic-tropical street performer, and accordingly a tour bus of Japanese tourists started dropping cash into my pants next to the barrier. French people simply kept walking by, almost as if completely unfazed.

 

I stood on the barrier for 20 minutes, and made a good 7 euros and 23 cents; easiest money I've ever made. Like the good Dominican that I can be, I saw a business opportunity reveal itself to me: I had to be a street performer for a day. First, however, I had to warm up by spending my newfound wealth on cheap beer. We walked along the Seine, away from the Eiffel tower, until we got to the Louvre. Behind the Louvre I found a supermarket and refilled the good ole' beer tank. The details are sketchy after that, but we wound up in a place with a lot of sidewalk chalk art, a Banksy-like mural of Salvador Dali, and a very grumpy clown.

 

Dismayed at my monetary inefficiencies due to alcoholism, I decided to get back on the street art circuit right then. However, I found myself on a mean clown's turf. I don't know where my girlfriend went, or why I decided to set up shop next to the clown, but he didn't like it one bit when I started taking away his clientele. He was standing still as a statue for 5 minutes before he finally decided to turn his head to me. I had made 50 cents and he was starting to notice.

 

I couldn't read his face behind the paint, but I think he wanted to cry in French, "Pourquois, pourquois are you taking away my business, Dominican Dynamite?" A few more people threw money at me, and when I got close to 3 euros, the clown finally snapped at me. He came down from his stool and confronted me. I didn't hear any of the stereotypical "sacrebleus" that television had trained me to expect. Instead, he delivered solid "merde" after "merde." I think he was slightly drunk too, and a crowd gathered around us as we almost got into a shoving match.

 

A couple of traffic cops had already started to grow concerned by that point, and I could tell they were radioing for backup. I began to put on my pants so I could split, but, given the number of people with camera phones trained at us, and reading how angry the clown was, I knew I was about to cause an international incident the likes of which I hadn't caused in many months. I walked away from the clown when the cops asked me what was going on. "It's just for the cameras," I said without stopping.

 

I miraculously noticed my girlfriend around a corner, and, as we turned, I sent a final F U to the clown. As I walked down into the subway, I could only imagine the headlines: "Yale grad in bikini takes down French clown" or "Clown walks away with American man's bikini." Either way, it promised to be Onion-worthy.

 

Later in the subway, my gf would reveal that the snake bikini wasn't a best seller for "Nosotros," but considering that it is now my superhero outfit, I think its runaway success is only guaranteed to come sooner or later.

Israeli Blood Oil

In 1967, Israel was able to successfully defeat its Arab neighbors over the course of a 6-day war of preemptive aggression. War, of course, is merely a chess game for the rich and politically-connected; the common man is but a pawn. The common man tends to support many wars because he believes himself to be on a winning team. And, if your team wins something, it is to be shared by all. But, the spoils of the six-day war won't be shared by the common Israeli man.

 

Israel's success during the six-day war allowed it to significantly expand its territory and bring under its umbrella large numbers of foreign citizens. Much in the same manner that Europeans "relocated" or made life impossible for Native Americans, so too have the European-descended Israelis dealt with their brown neighbors. The Golan Heights -- part of Syria -- has been effectively colonized by Israeli forces. The likelihood of it being returned grows more unlikely as Israel takes advantage of the bloodshed in Syria to expand its financial interests.

 

Oil was found in the Golan Heights, and the Israelis -- considering themselves masters of the fate of Syrian soil -- have decided to lease the oil fields to an American company. Allowing an American company to build on occupied land will allow Israel to more strongly solidify its hold of Syrian soil; Israel's generosity is essentially a payment to the US military-industrial complex for its support in Israel's shipping in of colonists (also called settlers.)

 

These colonists, most of whom are religious fanatics, consider themselves to be on a winning team. Their religion has blinded them to the fact that Genie Energy is advised by none other than Dick Cheney -- the man who drilled blood into Iraqi soil -- and that one of the shareholders is Rupert Murdoch -- the media mogul who aided the Iraq-war-lie. Israel's objective in leasing the drilling rights is all about gaining the support of America's extreme conservative elements, which Cheney and Murdoch represent.

 

Though the Golan Heights is Syrian territory, it will soon be a "freedom oil field," with countless American military lives sworn to defend it. Though annexation of the Golan Heights is not internationally recognized and relocation of civilian populations is considered a war crime, it is only a minor concern considering that the US will veto any resolution against Israel in the UN security council. It turns out that the bloodshed in Syria is a good thing for Israel.

Obama's Biggest Fear

For the first time in US history, the Senate has delayed a secretary of defense nominee despite 59 votes in the chamber. This is even more unprecedented because we are currently at war. It's pretty clear that politics in the United States is no longer about the welfare of the majority, but rather political basis points. In the same way that the 9/11 commissioners complained that they were "set up to fail," I so believe that Obama was set up to fail.

 

Obama's future -- and the future of the United States -- is currently being decided. At the moment, Obama's future is being decided not by a recalcitrant Senate, but rather by the federal courts. With the passing of the National Defense Authorization Act for 2012, Obama gained the power to lock up Americans without hope of ever seeing a judge or jury. Though Obama pretended that he didn't need those powers, the urgency with which he fought to preserve them indicates otherwise. When an Obama-appointed judge sided against her boss and declared section 1021 of the NDAA act unconstitutional, the Obama administration filed an emergency injunction to maintain the law while they filed an appeal.

 

A court of appeals granted the Obama administration's injunction, and he still retains the power to lock you or me up forever if he suspects that we are in some way involved with Al-Qaeda or some other "associated force." The case is currently on appeal, and is expected to reach the supreme court. The lawyer challenging the government's assertion that section 1021 is constitutional, fears that the Obama administration is already indefinitely detaining American citizens somewhere, possibly Aghrams air force base.

 

I agree with the lawyer's assessment: all the evidence seems to indicate that the Obama administration believes it can detain Americans in secret and forever just like North Korea or China. The question then becomes: did Obama inherit said US citizen[s] from W Bush, or were they/he/she captured under his watch? At the very least, Obama is guilty of failing to faithfully execute the laws of the United States. He would clearly be guilty, legally speaking, if the courts rule section 1021 of the NDAA illegal.

 

If the supreme court rules that section 1021 of the NDAA act is constitutional, the United States officially becomes a police state. If, however, the courts find the act unconstitutional, Obama would then be in contempt of court. If/when Obama is found in contempt of court, the United States will be faced with a constitutional crisis and the prospect of a civil war. America currently finds itself in what could potentially be its darkest hour.

I Cried for the Terminator, but not Cantinflas

I can't possibly have been older than 5 years old when my aunt took me to enjoy Terminator 2 at the cinema in our town in the Dominican. Should a 5-year-old be allowed to enjoy such a violent movie? The truth is that I'm still not fully certain. The only reason I even remember being in the theater is because half-way through the movie I broke down in tears and it left a mark on me.

 

My aunt turned to me and asked me: "What's wrong?""

I wept, "I can't believe that man is letting himself get shot for money." I couldn't even tell the difference between reality and fiction.

 

Yep, I don't know that many Dominicans who pay close attention to movie ratings or anything of the sort. I remember turning on broadcast television back in the mid-90s and stumbling across softcore porn. At around that same time, the famed Mexican comedian Cantinflas died. As a result, his movies were being broadcast in marathon on the country's television networks.

 

 My good friend Tolo and I were enjoying a movie at his house when he said to me, "If he's dead, how can they still be playing his movies?"

I told Tolo: "Don't be stupid, Tolo, they [the actors] put on masks." Tolo's 75-year-old father simply observed our interaction quietly. I presumed that somehow Cantinflas was still alive. We watched anything on TV and imitated a lot of what we saw. I only had a black-and-white television with a few channels of reception back in the Dominican. It wasn't until I arrived in the Bronx at age 9 that I first had unfettered access to my own color TV with a pirated cable box.

 

Instead of imitating the Power Rangers dubbed in Spanish or a Mexican soap opera, I could now enjoy everything that unlimited cable had to offer. Somehow I enjoyed the attention my teachers gave me for being smart and it encouraged me to watch the History channel, the Learning Channel, and the Discovery channel. This was before the History channel descended into aliens and ice truckers. I'm not quite sure what has become of the Discovery channel, but I heard that the Learning Channel had also descended into post-Bush buffoonery. The channels were alright in the 90s.

 

My parents weren't really around for me for a lot of years and oftentimes television was the only thing outside of school raising me. From my perspective, excessive television watching has all come down to what I selected. All of my friends who watched Star Trek made it to college or another post-secondary school. On the other hand, my confidantes who watched BET and MTV are largely still in the Bronx.

 

Should we address the culture of violence that the National Rifle Association complains about? To a certain extent. From my experience, it's all about balance, making sure that kids are exposed to adult opinions and not just adult entertainment. The reality is that schools have not fully adapted to the reality of the 21st century.

 

If schools are supposed to be parental surrogates, shouldn't there be a class teaching kids proper television and Internet etiquette? After all, schools teach students safe sex, driver safety, tool safety, writing, public speaking, as well as physical and intellectual cooperation. Schools, however, don't teach kids to properly handle the media and technology that dominates our century.