America 2015: Homeland Security Fugitive

Homeland Security has today released a picture of Michael Viter, the insurgent who escaped last week's raid in Austin, Texas. The police found Al-Qaeda material in Viter's home, but did not specify what type of material they seized. However, it most likely pertains to drone evasion, especially considering Viter's dramatic escape in the middle of a fire fight.

"He's most likely wearing clothing lined with specialized shielding, which has made him extremely difficult to detect from the sky. I guess were are gonna have to rely on dogs and good ole' fashioned police work," said DHS Chief Snader.

When asked how the insurgents in Viter's compound were identified, Chief Snader said, "at the moment that remains classified, but it's pretty obvious to me from the Al-Qaeda material we found and from Mr. Viter's willingness and capacity to evade the law, that he constitutes a threat to public safety, and that he has prepared to be a public threat for as long as we search for him."

 

When pressed for details on the relationship between the individuals in the compound, Chief Snader stated that he was not authorized to diclose whether the insurgents were or were not of close kin affiliation. "I think the very question itself is irrelevant. What's relevant here is the safety of the American people," he added.

 

Police also found 3-D printer files for high-capacity ammunition clips in Viter's hard drives. "It's pretty clear that Viter was willing to produce felony contraband to aid him in his terrorist enterprise," further added Snader.

 

Homeland Security is offering a reward to anyone who provides information leading to the capture or targeted killing of Michael Viter.

2013: The End of the Nixon Era

Richard Nixon did two things: he opened up China and he started the war on drugs. We are now seeing the end of the war on drugs with the legalization and decriminalization of cannabis in many parts of the United States, as well as more interest in a clinical as opposed to a police approach to drug problems. The battle is far from over for many victims of the war on drugs, but for the first time in decades, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

The end of the Nixon tunnel also seems to coincide with the end of the Chinese-American buddy road trip. The Obama administration has so far remained largely mum about Chinese cyberattacks, but it would be foolish to presume that the US has not initiated any cyberattacks against China. All the evidence seems to indicate that the two nations are already in a Cyber Cold War.

 

Like two supernations already in tension, there must be a threat of physical confrontation in a proxy state. And indeed, Japan and China are in an increasingly escalating game of brinkmanship over the Senkaku islands. Uninhabited rocks have the two historical Asian rivals at each other's throats, with the US supplying a knife and an arm.

 

The Chinese have recently moved missiles, and the Japanese have started quoting Thatcher on the Falklands. Meanwhile, American generals are calling for further vengeance over China's unit 61398's intrusions into America's institutions. All three countries, with bloated economies and dissatisfied populations, somehow know that the people need a great external foe to rally them together and distract them from the harsh economic reality.

 

Face it, America is full of debt and its infrastructure is crumbling under the weight of a corpulent, decadent middle-class. The only thing that can prevent an implosion is a great awakening. Bush tried to give it to us with 9/11 and Al-Qaeda, but he failed for reasons too numerous to detail. Sure, an economic extrication will be devastating at first, but it is best when the people can blame an outside agent for economic tribulations. There is no fixing the current economy: you can't reglue shattered glass.

 

Don't think that out leaders have not foreseen this or prepared; to do so would be extremely foolish. All indications make it clear that the Chinese have been stockpiling resources and that the Americans have been stockpiling bullets, seemingly preparing for total economic collapse and mass dissent.  Only a great new foe will be enough to distract the masses and quash dissent. American needs a new evil empire to justify its own existence, but we shouldn't underestimate a 5,000-year-old culture that produced the Art of War.

Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress

So, Benjamin Franklin was even more of a genius and hound dog than most of us would like to accept from one of America's founding fathers. During the 19th century, the below letter was never published and kept almost a state secret. Franklin was a cougar hunter, and he outlined his reasons for believing that older women were better. And his observations are indeed very accurate, but perhaps the importance of marriage as an institution has changed. People today are a lot more independent and self-focused.

Franklin wrote this letter to a friend who asked him for advice on how to control his sexual urges. Were Franklin alive today, he probably would have suggested a little Porntube too. Franklin says there is no hazard of children with older women, but technology has made it a hazard; so, this reason probably hasn't fully withstood the test of time.
 

My dear Friend:

I know of no medicine fit to diminish the violent natural inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper remedy. It is the most natural state of man, and therefore the state in which you are most likely to find solid happiness. Your reasons against entering into it at present appear to me not well founded. The circumstantial advantages you have in view by postponing it are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the thing itself, that being married and settled. It is the man and woman united that make the complete human being. Separate, she wants his force of body and strength of reason; he, her softness, sensibility, and acute discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the world. A single man has not nearly the value he would have in the state of union. He is an incomplete animal. He resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors. If you get a prudent, healthy wife, your industry in your profession, with her good economy, will be a fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take the counsel and persist in thinking of a commerce with the sex inevitable, then I repeat my former advice, that in all your amours you should prefer old women to young ones. You call this a paradox and demand my reasons. They are these:

1. Because They have more knowledge of the world, and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.
2. Because when women cease to be handsome they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an augmentation of utility. They learn to do a thousand services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old woman who is not a good woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.

4. Because through more experience they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be rather inclined to excuse an old woman, who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.

5. Because in every animal that walks upright the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the neck; then the breast and arms; the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: so that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to tell an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are gray, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior; every knack being, by practice, capable of improvement.

6. Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.

7. Because the compunction is less. The having mad a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflection; none of which an attend the making an old woman happy.

8th and lastly. they are so grateful!!

Thus much for my paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely

Your affectionate friend,

Benjamin Franklin

 

Driving Through a Parisian Suburb

I went to Paris with little idea of how life was on its outskirts. I grew up in the Bronx and simply expected that what Parisians call the suburbs, would be somehow equivalent to an American inner-city. There's a difference between crippling third-world poverty and the kind of poverty that you'd expect to see in a developed country.

 

As soon as we crossed a tunnel informing us that we were in Paris, my girlfriend looked to her left and spotted a family living in an underpass. I hadn't seen people living in such a visibly public place in any other city in Europe. The individuals were Sub-Saharan African, and I felt a squeeze in my heart, not sure if it was something that I was going to be seeing during my entire trip to Paris. But it wasn't just black people like me, the homelessness was systemic.

 

We drove a bit past the underpass, and came upon slow traffic near the red light that would finally release us into the city's inner roads. But as our car stood in that row of traffic, we noticed a group of teenage North African window washers. I precognitively saw them deciding to wash the car with foreign plates and a blonde driver at the wheel, and indeed I was right. Even as we waved and said no, they still grabbed the wiper. I tapped the window, but they didn't relent and simply became aggressive.

 

I grew frustrated as they rubbed something in the driver's side, and I punched the inside of the windshield, before putting on my wild Bronx face. I stepped out of the car, looking angry, and hoping that they would back away. Fortunately they did, the light changed, and I sat back in as we drove away. Putting on my seat belt, I realized that my very first few minutes in Paris had involved seeing a family living in an underpass and confronting a group of young, aggressive businessmen.

 

I couldn't admit it to myself, but Paris reminded me more of Rio, with its favelas overlooking beauty and wealth, than a city like London or Berlin. Later that night, walking around the Bastille, we stumbled past a mother and her two children sleeping inside of a phone booth. Throughout the day, I had seen a disproportionately high number of posters for the marine corps asking: "are you already a marine without knowing it?"

 

I thought back to the French foreign legion, and how France now had inside of its own border a massively poor population of unassimilated individuals, much like the US. Like the US, France has enough people to use in its 21st century post-colonial entanglements abroad, much like the current one in Mali. Like the US, France seems to have its priorities in wrong order; no country should be waging foreign wars in distant lands when there are mothers sleeping with their children in phone booths.

 

Maybe Depardieu was right to leave and become a Russian citizen. Because, why would someone want to pay 75% taxes in a country so polarized?

America 2015: A Dystopic Nightmare

Today, Department of Homeland Security Police were involved in a deadly shootout with associated forces in a suburb of Austin, Texas. After receiving an anonymous tip, drones identified 6 enemy combatants inside the layered suburban compound. Drones did not fire on the compound, as police saw it better to extract evidence from the combatant's computers. A raid of the compound resulted in the death of 5 insurgents and the escape of 1.

 

Police have kept secret the identities -- as demanded by national security -- of the 5 enemy combatants legally killed in self-defense. "Since last year's domestic terrorist attack, we have worked diligently to prevent insurgents from plotting against innocent Americans," stressed DHS police chief for Texas John Snader.

 

Though the individuals terminated in today's earlier raids have not been identified, police revealed that three of the 5 were felons, having been convicted under HR 347 for trespassing in federal restricted buildings. The government also disclosed the age of the insurgents: 18, 18, 16, 44, 42. Had the government attempted the raid last week, it would have been faced with legal difficulties concerning the 16-year-old, who only became a military-aged insurgent in recent days. "We always take great care, great care, in ensuring that only military-aged insurgents are neutralized in any operation," stressed chief Snader.

 

Neighbors reported being shocked that the individuals inside of the home were involved in associated forces activities. "It's always who you least suspect," said neighbor Juan Diaz. The government has warned residents of increased terrorist activity in the area surrounding the suburb. The police have asked residents to report any suspicious individuals to their nearest Department of Homeland Security office. DHS has dispatched more VIPR teams to keep residents safe. They are conducting extra roadblocks and increasing drone surveillance of the surrounding areas.

 

"We so far have identified the individual who escaped as a disgrunted ex-soldier involved in far right circles. He has in the past e-mailed several individuals flagged in extremist activity, and should be considered armed and dangerous," said Chief Snader. The police have not made specific what charges the fugitee will face, but most likely charges will be unnecessary considering his ties to terrorism.