America 2015: A Dystopic Nightmare

Today, Department of Homeland Security Police were involved in a deadly shootout with associated forces in a suburb of Austin, Texas. After receiving an anonymous tip, drones identified 6 enemy combatants inside the layered suburban compound. Drones did not fire on the compound, as police saw it better to extract evidence from the combatant's computers. A raid of the compound resulted in the death of 5 insurgents and the escape of 1.

 

Police have kept secret the identities -- as demanded by national security -- of the 5 enemy combatants legally killed in self-defense. "Since last year's domestic terrorist attack, we have worked diligently to prevent insurgents from plotting against innocent Americans," stressed DHS police chief for Texas John Snader.

 

Though the individuals terminated in today's earlier raids have not been identified, police revealed that three of the 5 were felons, having been convicted under HR 347 for trespassing in federal restricted buildings. The government also disclosed the age of the insurgents: 18, 18, 16, 44, 42. Had the government attempted the raid last week, it would have been faced with legal difficulties concerning the 16-year-old, who only became a military-aged insurgent in recent days. "We always take great care, great care, in ensuring that only military-aged insurgents are neutralized in any operation," stressed chief Snader.

 

Neighbors reported being shocked that the individuals inside of the home were involved in associated forces activities. "It's always who you least suspect," said neighbor Juan Diaz. The government has warned residents of increased terrorist activity in the area surrounding the suburb. The police have asked residents to report any suspicious individuals to their nearest Department of Homeland Security office. DHS has dispatched more VIPR teams to keep residents safe. They are conducting extra roadblocks and increasing drone surveillance of the surrounding areas.

 

"We so far have identified the individual who escaped as a disgrunted ex-soldier involved in far right circles. He has in the past e-mailed several individuals flagged in extremist activity, and should be considered armed and dangerous," said Chief Snader. The police have not made specific what charges the fugitee will face, but most likely charges will be unnecessary considering his ties to terrorism.

 

 

Interview with a Swedish Mailman

I found myself bored at home and hopped on the tram to Central Station. I immediately headed to one of my favorite places in Amsterdam: Cannabis College. It's different from a coffee shop because it's a more academic environment, and also there's a garden in the basement. A lot of people come in asking questions and the volunteers there are very knowledgeable, so you get a lot of intelligent people coming in who like to ask and answer questions.

 

I was feeling inspired yesterday, so I stayed around chatting with a random Swede who I first thought was Argentinean from his looks and accent. When he told me he was a mailman, I realized how different his life must be from mine, so I asked him if I could interview him.

 

"So, I deliver to about 1,000 doors a day. In Sweden, you put the mail through the door," began the mailman.

I interjected: "so, people know when you deliver the mail."

"Yea, some people wait anxiously for the mail to fall into their apartments. I mostly do apartment complexes which all look pretty much the same, only the number on the door is different. You work 5 apartment complexes, and you just don't know where you are because you have done the same over and over, so you lose perspective of time and place. I'm a new generation mailman, so we don't have a regular district [zip code] that we work. I go to a different district every day. The post office doesn't hire any new employees, so I just have a temporary contract. The old timers (40-50) know their districts and are three times faster because they know their doors. They work 1 hour and lounge around for another 2. I don't know what they do for those 2 hours, but they know people in their districts, so it's possible that they hang out with some of the people they work with.  When I show up to a new door, people come out and I have to say, 'oh, hi, I'm new.'"

 

I thought his work sounded a bit distant in how detached it could be, so I asked him how people saw their mailman.

"People generally enjoy the mailman. It's a daily occurrence. Mondays and Tuesdays is commercials [ads] and sometimes when the commercials don't arrive, it's pretty clear that people just want a reason to come to their doors and talk. It's encumbering."

 

I asked, "have there been times when people definitely didn't want you to come by?"

"Yes, there was this time I had ten envelopes from bill collectors going to one single address. The old man came to me before I even entered the building and told me not to bother attempting to deliver the letters, to just throw them away. Funny stuff like that happens -- there was also the time that I delivered the wrong mail to a sister in one building, and had to deal with the other sister in the building next door. The first sister called the second one and the second one went on a rant, I just had to stand there and apologize for 10 minutes before she finally calmed down."

 

I can't imagine having to confront people on their own turf, and I imagine Sweden to be cold. "How do you get around?" I asked.

"I generally travel 5 km by scooter. The cold can be pretty bad, but it's rewarding work in summer."

 

"And why did you decide to become a mailman?" I asked.

 

"Well, I first thought about what cause I wanted to support. Could I work at McDonald's? I don't think so because it's a not a cause that I support or that I think benefits society. I work as a mailman part time and teach the rest of the time. To study in Sweden is for free and I get 1,000 euros from the government every month. So, I naturally wanted to do something that contributed to the system that is contributing to me. I saw delivering mail as a cause that I did not oppose. Delivering mail: it's something that feels good. To me it was the most rational decision."

 

Interesting, I liked his approach to causes and rational decisions. I tell him I am a vegan and he tells me that he is one too. "So, how long have you been vegan?" I asked.

"Well, I have been vegan a few months, but I was vegetarian before that. I see meat as an addiction that has to be removed. Not eating meat to me is the most rational decision. I asked myself, 'is this benefiting me?' I thought that you'd be a madman to choose otherwise."

 

The mailman used the word 'madman' several times. Eventually the conversation turned to whether he supported locally made goods and whether he had traveled abroad more than to just Holland. He had been to North America, but had eschewed entering the US because he saw it as undemocratic. I went on a rant about drones, the incarceration rate, indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, rendition, and frankly think that I scared him from even going close to the US border. I am not generally impressed with people's professions, and at first I was impressed because I had never interacted with a mailman in a social setting, but it turns out that his outlook on the world was not that different from mine.

The Defense Clandestine Service: Our Glorious New Military Spy Agency

Before Kennedy came to power, military intelligence was carried out by individual branches of the military. Though the US still managed to win World War II, the fear of the Soviet Union's centralized spy apparatus likewise led the US to centralize military intelligence efforts under one single entity: The Defense Intelligence Agency. The DIA has since the Kennedy years provided intelligence to everyone from a 3-star general to a private on the ground. Last May, however, the US government created a new spy agency -- the Defense Clandestine Service -- to be under the umbrella of not only the Defense Intelligence Agency [Pentagon] but also the Central Intelligence Agency [civilian].

 

The creation of a new hybrid intelligence agency represents another direct blow to America's tradition of separating military and civilian affairs. Though the Defense Clandestine Service will be officially a subsidiary of the Pentagon (Defense Intelligence Agency), their personnel will report and work closely with CIA station chiefs. Yes, the military's new spy agency will be working closely with our former civilian spy agency -- as the CIA is now arguably a paramilitary force.

 

The National Clandestine Service will allow the CIA to concentrate more on drones, cyberspying, and counter-narcotics. Since the Defense Clandestine Service was not given the budget and personnel that it wanted in the latest National Defense Authorization Act, it may be a few years until we see just how bloated and powerful it becomes. However, the legal framework for more collusion between military and civilian elements in our government has been established.

 

Leon Panneta, then director of the CIA, was in charge of the Bin Laden raid, though it was carried out by military forces (JSOC.) It seems that beyond getting the military's 25,000 special forces under its command, the CIA also wants the Pentagon to spy on its behalf. In the same way that 9/11 brought us the centralization of power that is the Department of Homeland Security, so will the next major crisis lead to a further consolidation of power between military and civilian agencies.

 

Though the Constitution requires that Congress be the one to declare war, Obama went ahead and bombed Lybia. He overrode Congress by using money from the counterterrorism black budget that cannot be closely scrutinized by Congress. In using the military to bomb a foreign country without authorization from Congress, Obama gave himself further counterterrorism powers.

 

Since 9/11 the President has gained the power to: bomb foreign countries without consent from Congress, indefinitely detain US citizens, bomb US citizens suspected of having ties to terrorism, and to keep the reasons and evidence secret. Tomorrow we could have president Biden or president Shinseki, and they would inherit all these powers. A future Republican administration will likewise inherit all these powers and agencies. America is one major terrorist attack away from becoming a full-blown police state.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How One Little Bikini Almost Caused an International Incident

I wish I could say it was laundry day, but the reality is I had simply stopped caring. Yes, I wore my girlfriend's bikini during my first outing in Paris (France, not Texas.) The weather was freezing, but the bikini promised to keep me warm. My gf's bikini is not your typical piece of sexy wear: she produced it herself while working for a large multinational that we will cryptically refer to as "Nosotros."

 

When I first started going through her collection, the bikini stood out for the raw, manly energy it radiated. I had previously noted an H&M leopard blazer in her closet and knew that I had found my New Year's look. Though the bikini is in actuality snake print, it matches well with the leopard print. The minute I put the two together, my energy level increased exponentially to such an extent that I had no other choice but to go for a polar dive in one of Amsterdam's canals. Copious amounts of fornication also ensued.

 

Hell, maybe I shouldn't even pretend that I wished it was laundry day: I wanted my raw tiguere power to take Paris by storm. I first began to remove the layers which separated the world from my snake power when we got to the Eiffel tower. It was -2c, but my bikini and a light jacket was all I needed. So, I stood atop the barrier separating the Seine from the sidewalk and began attracting the tourist hordes. I guess people started confusing me for some sort of hybrid Arctic-tropical street performer, and accordingly a tour bus of Japanese tourists started dropping cash into my pants next to the barrier. French people simply kept walking by, almost as if completely unfazed.

 

I stood on the barrier for 20 minutes, and made a good 7 euros and 23 cents; easiest money I've ever made. Like the good Dominican that I can be, I saw a business opportunity reveal itself to me: I had to be a street performer for a day. First, however, I had to warm up by spending my newfound wealth on cheap beer. We walked along the Seine, away from the Eiffel tower, until we got to the Louvre. Behind the Louvre I found a supermarket and refilled the good ole' beer tank. The details are sketchy after that, but we wound up in a place with a lot of sidewalk chalk art, a Banksy-like mural of Salvador Dali, and a very grumpy clown.

 

Dismayed at my monetary inefficiencies due to alcoholism, I decided to get back on the street art circuit right then. However, I found myself on a mean clown's turf. I don't know where my girlfriend went, or why I decided to set up shop next to the clown, but he didn't like it one bit when I started taking away his clientele. He was standing still as a statue for 5 minutes before he finally decided to turn his head to me. I had made 50 cents and he was starting to notice.

 

I couldn't read his face behind the paint, but I think he wanted to cry in French, "Pourquois, pourquois are you taking away my business, Dominican Dynamite?" A few more people threw money at me, and when I got close to 3 euros, the clown finally snapped at me. He came down from his stool and confronted me. I didn't hear any of the stereotypical "sacrebleus" that television had trained me to expect. Instead, he delivered solid "merde" after "merde." I think he was slightly drunk too, and a crowd gathered around us as we almost got into a shoving match.

 

A couple of traffic cops had already started to grow concerned by that point, and I could tell they were radioing for backup. I began to put on my pants so I could split, but, given the number of people with camera phones trained at us, and reading how angry the clown was, I knew I was about to cause an international incident the likes of which I hadn't caused in many months. I walked away from the clown when the cops asked me what was going on. "It's just for the cameras," I said without stopping.

 

I miraculously noticed my girlfriend around a corner, and, as we turned, I sent a final F U to the clown. As I walked down into the subway, I could only imagine the headlines: "Yale grad in bikini takes down French clown" or "Clown walks away with American man's bikini." Either way, it promised to be Onion-worthy.

 

Later in the subway, my gf would reveal that the snake bikini wasn't a best seller for "Nosotros," but considering that it is now my superhero outfit, I think its runaway success is only guaranteed to come sooner or later.

Israeli Blood Oil

In 1967, Israel was able to successfully defeat its Arab neighbors over the course of a 6-day war of preemptive aggression. War, of course, is merely a chess game for the rich and politically-connected; the common man is but a pawn. The common man tends to support many wars because he believes himself to be on a winning team. And, if your team wins something, it is to be shared by all. But, the spoils of the six-day war won't be shared by the common Israeli man.

 

Israel's success during the six-day war allowed it to significantly expand its territory and bring under its umbrella large numbers of foreign citizens. Much in the same manner that Europeans "relocated" or made life impossible for Native Americans, so too have the European-descended Israelis dealt with their brown neighbors. The Golan Heights -- part of Syria -- has been effectively colonized by Israeli forces. The likelihood of it being returned grows more unlikely as Israel takes advantage of the bloodshed in Syria to expand its financial interests.

 

Oil was found in the Golan Heights, and the Israelis -- considering themselves masters of the fate of Syrian soil -- have decided to lease the oil fields to an American company. Allowing an American company to build on occupied land will allow Israel to more strongly solidify its hold of Syrian soil; Israel's generosity is essentially a payment to the US military-industrial complex for its support in Israel's shipping in of colonists (also called settlers.)

 

These colonists, most of whom are religious fanatics, consider themselves to be on a winning team. Their religion has blinded them to the fact that Genie Energy is advised by none other than Dick Cheney -- the man who drilled blood into Iraqi soil -- and that one of the shareholders is Rupert Murdoch -- the media mogul who aided the Iraq-war-lie. Israel's objective in leasing the drilling rights is all about gaining the support of America's extreme conservative elements, which Cheney and Murdoch represent.

 

Though the Golan Heights is Syrian territory, it will soon be a "freedom oil field," with countless American military lives sworn to defend it. Though annexation of the Golan Heights is not internationally recognized and relocation of civilian populations is considered a war crime, it is only a minor concern considering that the US will veto any resolution against Israel in the UN security council. It turns out that the bloodshed in Syria is a good thing for Israel.