The Day I Almost Got Arrested by The US Military Police

I don't know how it got to the point that we were walking around Itaewon in nothing but boxers and bras, but it surely involved a lot of drinking. My British buddy "Pedro" invited me to this party inside of US army Yongsan garrison, where those 6 dollar bottles of military gin and military vodka were sure to be flowing out of the coolers like it was river water. I can't even begin to try and recall how we left the Dragon hotel or how many we had, but considering that Pedro vomited as soon as we exited base and started heading towards Itaewon, it was surely enough to take down Charlie Sheen reincarnated as a horse. In all my years of alcoholism in Korea, I'd never seen Pedro throw up. Him puking may have had something to do with how we lost our pants, but such minute details have been lost to history and the passage of time.

Now, Pedro and I were civilians, but we had short hair and reeked of military gin. There's a reason why the military rations out the stuff at 6 bucks a pop: to weed out the drunks. They don't need to put a chip in the shit to know who's been chugging it the night before Physical Training; they can just smell it on you from from the other side of the barracks.  And that is exactly why, by the time we made it from Yongsan gate 3 to Itaewon station exit 3, we had already aroused concern from a  couple of MPs who'd no doubt radioed us in.

Now, the military police only have authority over US soldiers, and once Pedro and I for some reason showed the capacity to recognize military ranks, the MPs outside of the police station by Itaewon station exit 3 took serious notice. As we passed a couple of MPs, one of them motioned my way and asked me: "What happened to your clothes?"

I replied, "Listen lieutenant, tell Private Gomez over there that his head is too big for his uniform!"

I'd simply read the private's name tag, but at that point they were sure Pedro and I were two renegade soldiers out to destroy what little reputation the US army still had. Private Gomez shouted, "Hey, come back here!" and Pedro and I made a run for Polly's at the top of Hooker Hill. The MPs didn't give chase, and once we were halfway up the hill, we felt secure enough to try and enter whatever Hooker's window we felt like.

Normally, the sex workers are very inviting, but upon seeing us in our underwear, wearing bras, and reeking of military gin vomit, they locked the doors to their windows in panic. I guess they must have some kind of alert system 'cause before we even made it to the next window, it was already locked and the women inside panicked.

I guess attempted kick-in of a sex worker's window was all the military police needed to start giving chase in order to "ask questions." I screamed at Pedro, "shit, let's run to Polly's bar" but Pedro couldn't keep up. I made it up the hill and ran inside of Polly's. As I walked in, I saw that Pedro had tripped and gotten surrounded by a bunch of dudes in digicam fatigues.  I entered the bathroom at Polly's terrified for my life; I was sure I was gonna end up in a maximum security stockade, only to escape to the Itaewon underworld as a soldier of fortune, relying on nothing but my background as a mechanic and the authority my mohawk commanded.

However, as I threw some water on my face inside of the bathroom, I remembered that I was a civilian and that the US army had no authority over civilians in Korea. Pedro, on the other hand, got demoted a rank. We both had forgotten that he was in the army. I always thought he was a teacher until that day. You think you know people, but some basic things about them escape you. 

Domestic Enemy

What is the best way to rally a population behind a war? Fear and anger. If the population is afraid and angry, the government could justifiably pass draconian legislation or invade foreign countries almost at will.

 

Indeed, no one understands fear and anger better than America's Top Brass and secret intelligence chiefs. They spend days sitting around while doing nothing but thinking of how to take someone down. In 1962, America's Top Brass sat around and thought of way that they could "justifiably" invade Cuba. "Justifiably" means nothing more than popular support, even if that popular support is gained through manufactured means, through deceit. Operation Northwoods was such a manufactured means.

 

Exactly four months and 11 days before the attacks of 9/11, ABC revealed: "The plans had the written approval of all the Joint Chiefs of Staff and were presented to Kennedy's defense secretary." So, what exactly did Operation Northwoods entail? ABC writes: "plans included the possible assassination of Cuban émigrés, sinking boats, hijacking planes, blowing up a US ship, and even orchestrating violent terrorism in US cities." 

 

America's top military leaders coldly calculated that a war with Cuba was so needed, that they were willing to carry out attacks in America themselves. The plans to carry out these attacks were rejected by a very displeased Kennedy, and it took nearly 40 years for the plans to be declassified, but it makes me wonder: what else has the Chiefs of Staff been cooking up all this time? And, is there a possibility that one of these dastardly plans could have been approved by a less than moral administration?

 

Only time will tell, but considering that many records of the War on Terror have been "lost" or misplaced, there is a very real possibility that the general public may never find out the truth. There is one thing to learn about this, and that is the ability to recognize the capacity of powerful men to concoct heinous plans, to hide behind secrecy and weapons of war.

 

It is interesting to note that the Joint Chiefs of Staff has not had operational control of the military since 1986. The Goldwater-Nichols act essentially gave the president more direct power over the military. The president now gives an order, the secretary of defense contacts a Unified Combatant Commander, and a part of the world lights up. But of course, we are not an empire.

 

We are a republic of constitutional laws; laws such as the National Defense Authorization Act for 2012, the same one that gives the president the power to indefinitely detain US citizens. NDAA 2012 also added the National Guard to the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

 

Though the Posse Comitatus act of 1878 prevents the president from sending the military into the streets, the National Guard has been under heavy pressure to fall into the hands of the president for quite some time (currently it is under the command of state governors.) The addition of the National Guard was opposed by all the members of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, but that didn't stop congress. “There is no compelling military need for this change,” Army Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, said during a hearing before NDAA 2012 was passed.

 

No compelling need was also true when in 2007, congress passed the John Warner Defense Authorization Act, giving the president the power to deploy the National Guard on American streets. The provision in the John Warner act which overturned the Posse Comitatus act was repealed in part some time later; there was simply too much opposition from a public afraid of giving Bush more powers.

 

There seems to be less opposition to giving Obama more powers, even if those powers are essentially the same. Obama himself has called for the creation of a National Defense Civilian Force. There is one thing American jurisprudence has taught me: if your president is forbidden from utilizing the country's reserve military force at will, then he should simply change the name of the reserve military force. There will be nothing civilian about the National Defense Civilian Force; it will be the National Guard renamed, restructured, or merged.

How to Seduce Any Woman

5) Send her a sexy picture. You can use this one as a guide:

4) Write her a love poem. This is an excerpt from a poem I wrote some time ago:
When I saw the soap suds going down your asscrack,
I knew there in the communal shower that you were in trouble
When you allowed me to lube you up,
We both still knew that you would bleed from the heavy friction,
But you loved me so that you still took it

3) Prepare her a special meal:

2) Send her a romantic song:

1) But before you even get to sending her awesome stuff, you need to come up with an opening line that immediately captivates her and lets her know that you're serious and that she's in for a treat:

 

The Cheapest Beer Challenge: Amsterdam

I like beer. The simplicity of that previous statement can't be easily quantified. I like it because, as John Lennon said, "reality is for people who can't handle drugs." Personally, I believe that drugs are for people who can't handle beer.

 

Now, some people can't seem to stomach cheap beer, but I believe that as long as it can be legally sold in a container, it's good enough for me. There are already plenty of wine reviewers out there, but not enough beer reviewers. Well, I wouldn't call myself a beer connoisseur. I'm just a guy who's monetarily-challenged and whose life goal is to find a beer so cheap, that drinking it saves me money.

 

For Science
 

Of course, what country you're in is going to affect beer availability, so I can only vouch for one location at a time. Since I'm currently in Amsterdam, I'll vouch for the beers available here. Part of the selection process involves a very scientific process I have developed myself and which is called, "buy 5 euros of a single brand and drink it all." My review of that beer won't go into detail concerning the palette or the aroma or any of that fancy crap. Instead, I'm going to write about a beer only if I think it delivers enough bang for 5 euros.

 

I've already "tested" nearly every brand of beer in the Albert Heijn, the Vomar, and the Dirk van den Broek supermarket chains. Two beers stood out in the José Abreu Cheap Beer Challenge -- which has been on-going without rest for quite a prolonged period of time now -- and those two beers are: Gulpener Gladiator, and Holtland.

 

Gulpener Gladiator has an alcohol content of 10% and is about 2 euros a liter. It has a sugary kick and slightly bitter aftertaste. Don't expect any more details, it simply taste like something that a man should be able to handle. For 5 euros, I started the New Year's puking over a balcony. Gulpener Gladiator is what I call a "mid-range down-on-his-luck-alcoholic beer," given the sometimes prohibitive price of 2 euros a liter. I began the new year with Gladiator, and I'm inclined to say that so far it has been rewarding in that I began writing again after a half-year hiatus, but also painful in many ways, and not just for my stomach. Gulpener Gladiator giveth pleasure, it also bringeth pain.

 

Gulpener: creative fuel for my third novel

Holtland is "recycable"

Holtland, on the other hand, is what I describe as a "down-on-his-luck rock-bottom-alcoholic beer." It's 76 eurocents a liter, but only 4.2% alcohol. However, given that it's a third as cheap as Gulpener Gladiator, Holtland is hands-down the best way to get some much needed calories. And, given its watery taste, Holtland goes well with almost any food or item deemed safe for human mastication.

 

Moreover, Holtland comes in a "recycable" [sic] steel can, so you could probably get some of those 76 cents back. Also, since it's steel, the beer itself is likely to have a high iron content -- something much needed for an alcoholic.

 

I don't always purchase beer, but when I do, I prefer a very cheap brand. On most days, I'll have a Holtland, but on days when I'm going to a fancy bar and need to smuggle in some beer, I prefer Gulpener Gladiator.

In Dominican Popular Music, Fear of Witchcraft Persists

One of my favorite Dominican artists is Amarfis, who calls his band: "the attack band." Though Amarfis sings about everyday themes, and is far from a religious singer, he is unique because he embraces Afro-spiritualism in his fast-beat merengue. Amarfis' lyrics are more suited to a voodoo ritual than a salsa floor, but somehow he has managed to successfully incorporate Afro-religious lyrics into a modern, danceable rhythm. One Amarfis song that truly embodies the Dominican Republic's Afro-spiritual, musical heritage is the song Yemayá. Yemayá is a Loa, an intermediary for God, in voodoo.

 

Yemayá: quítame lo malo y tíralo en el mar (coro)

Fui donde una bruja

Y me dijo, "Amarfis, tú estás saladito."

La bruja me dijo, "te quieren hacer daño."

"Hay muchos envidiosos que te quieren abajo."

"Te daré una cosa que te cuidará."

"Para el que te tire, no te haga mal."

Aléjalo de mi (coro)

A los envidiosos. A los falsos.

Y a todos esos Judas.

Y para el merenguero que me quiera hacer daño,

Dios se la pagará!

Cuidate!

 

Yemaja: take the evil from me and cast it to the sea (chorus)

I went to a witch

And she told me, "Amarfis, you're under a spell."

"There are many jealous individuals who want to see you down."

"I will give you something that will protect you."

"So that whoever may speak ill of you shall do you no evil."

Cast them away from me (chorus)

To all the jealous ones. All the fakes.

And all the Judas.

And for the merengueros that wants to hurt me,

God shall repay you!

Take care!

 

Another Amarfis song that I personally enjoy is Papá Bocó, or Papá Candelo, another Loa in voodoo. Candelo always says, "Bonswa a la societé."

 

Con un retrato pa'bajo

Y la candela en la boca

Con una vela en la mano

Y rabo de gato en la otra

Y un pañuelo colora'o

Yo tengo un Loa que me ilumina

Y me protege de la gente

Con cuatro velas de a centavo

Y un poquito de aguardiente

La bruja hace su trabajo,

Con un tabaco en la boca

Se dan cuatro zapatazos

Para conseguir la muchacha

Y un pañuelo colora'o

Se cruzan dos alfileres

Pa' conseguir las mujeres

Se mete cebo en los sobres

Ai, bruja, brujita, consigueme esa muchacha!

 

With a portrait upside-down

And fire in the mouth

With a candle in the hand

And a cat's tail in the other

And a red handkerchief

I have a Loa that illuminates me

And protects me from people

With four one-cent candles

And a little bit of aguardiente

The witch does her work,

With a tobacco in her mouth

Smacks the shoe four times

To get the girl

And a red handkerchief

You cross two pins

To get the women

Put wax in the envelope

Oh, witch, little witch, get me that girl!